The Lazy Man's Guide To Life and Loafing

New Mantra: Vacations Are Fun, Not Work
June 23, 2011, 9:33 am
Filed under: The Lazy Man Has Fun | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Back in the day, vacations used to be slower. People rented a villa in Greece (or Indiana) for three months and then just stayed there. Nowadays, if you don’t visit six world capitals or nine national parks in a week, you’ve “wasted” that precious time off. You come home begging to go back to work, just to get some quality time for your ass.

The Lazy Man’s vacation is one that does not include a bicycle, oars or a even a segway, to say the least. Here are some tips for planning your summer vacation so that you can simply do what you’d normally do at home (sitting) somewhere more interesting.

1. Pick someplace with very little geological variety. This is why beaches are so great–you can walk and walk and walk, but it’s still the same damn beach, so why walk? Tell the family if they want to walk or swim, you will volunteer to stay put and be their point of reference when they’re trying to find their way back to the hotel.

2. Pick someplace flat. If you go to a mountain, someone is going to suggest climbing it, which is never a good idea. If you go to San Francisco, you’ll be battling gravity just just to use the bathroom in your hotel room. You never have to do that in Vegas. In fact, in Vegas you might not even make it to the bathroom, and that would be okay, too.

3. Try a film festival. You’ll look all cultured and hoity-toity, while you get to sit/sleep/eat/scratch yourself in a darkened room all day, all night! Just don’t forget to stop scratching yourself when you get outside.

4. Take a cruise. You can’t go anywhere but the boat. And if you spend the whole time in a chaise longue and miss the ballroom dancing lesson or the climbing wall, then so be it. The perky cruise hostesses will reward your inaction by bringing you day-glo drinks with little umbrellas in them.

5. Vacation at the mall. The largest mall in the US is now in King of Prussia, PA. (Take that, Mall of America!) Not much else to do there, so you can spend all your time on a bench in front of Nordstrom’s watching the curiosities of the teeming humanity passing by. And let me tell you, this is waaaaay more interesting that some dumb bull fight or museum.

In this day and age, with people getting so little vacation time, you need to make the most–or the least–of it. If your vacation doesn’t come with a hammock, tell the wife or your travel agent you’re not going! Just don’t send me your vacation pics, Lazy Man. Your Speedo, your business.


The hammock, vacation of champions. Image from

2 Comments so far
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lol @ number 3. Good read.

Comment by Russell

Oh, yea, Garfield is the laziest fictional character. He’s on a different frequency when it comes to laziness.

Comment by Russell

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